As I sit here trying to gather my thoughts on how I want to write this, I'm thinking about how my Mom was my biggest blog fan. She loved my blog. She pretty much loved anything I did especially in all things creative. Because that's what Mom's do and should do. Love anything and everything about their kids. She was like that. And she gave me my creative gifts.
The sad part of this entry is that this was something I wanted to do for her for a gift for Mother's Day. I wanted to do it last year but life got ahead of me. And then planned to do it this year. Honor her on my blog. She would have loved to have me spoil her on here.
The good news is that I know she still will see this. And I hope that this gives some love, light and good memories for those that are so dearly missing her.....
Missing this lady that I called - call, Mom.
At the funeral my brother Justin, with great courage gave a eulogy. When he was speaking those words he sounded just like my Mom. Teaching about her strong beliefs in life after death, her love of life and her strength. Afterwards I said to my husband that he sounded JUST like every conversation that I had with Mom. As if she was speaking through him...
She's really proud of him.
I wish I could have had the courage to speak. But I didn't. And with that I'd like to say some things...that had I had strength...I may had said on the day we said....good-bye for now.
I remember when I turned five. And when I was getting ready for school. So was my Mom. She had decided that she would go back to school. She wanted to be a doctor. She drove and hour's drive there and back. She did this while working back shift at the hospital as a switchboard operator. My step-dad worked there too (which of course is how they met and then of course they later got married) and he remembers her having her books and studying in between the phone ringing. And you're wondering how she did it? I don't know. I have no idea. She just did. She was a hard worker and a fighter.
She graduated and was going to go on to med school. But then something happened. She fell very ill. She was yellow. I remember. I remember how yellow she got. Even though she never really let on that she was really sick. She made light of all of it. She always did in times that were hard. She never wanted us to worry. She had to have her gallbladder taken out. It's a routine surgery and would make her better right away. But something went wrong. The doctor made a mistake and damaged her bile duct. (I think I have that correct) But didn't say anything. She fell really ill. She went to appointment after appointment to see what was wrong. She had many more surgeries and one doctor even told her it was all in her head. But my Mama was a smart lady. And she knew something was wrong. She went to Toronto. I remember this well. I remember her saying she'd be back in a week before my birthday. She was gone a month. You see, she was very sick. She didn't know the outcome. And still along the way, she made it out like it was no big deal. She was sneaky like that...always knowing what to say to keep our worries away. After a surgery in which her heart stopped and nearly took her life she told me later "I remember knowing that I had kids to take care of. That my work here was not done." And she fought and pulled through.
This surgery made her better "enough" to go on many more years. Along the way she took more schooling at home. I didn't even know about it until she was almost done. She was determined to have a good job to provide a good comfortable life for us. She was determined to buy us a home someday.
She may not have felt the best but in those years I remember her strength.
She always would sit in my room and chat with me for hours about all my worries in life.
She always let my friends come over and stay there if they needed a place. She loved when friends came and went. She wanted them to feel like they could come over.
She made the coziest beds. She even ironed the pillow cases.
She always made Christmas and birthday's and other holidays a big deal. She was good at making those things special. Like how even when it was just me at home, she was still hide eggs all over. Or I'd find my birthday card in the bathroom cabinet and balloons hung up downstairs when I woke on my birthday. Or how she always wanted to give us a big "wow" gift just so she could see the delight on our faces.
She was the woman who if it was broken....SHE would FIX it! If a car, bike, radio, toy, tv, ANYTHING was broken. She could figure it out. And wasn't messing around until the job was done.
She wrote me rhymes to help me learn the multiplication table. She worked hard with me on my homework...and got mad FOR me when the teachers had ridiculous expectations. And one time a teacher yelled at me out of line in class when I hadn't done anything. Well when my Mom got wind of that...there were apologies from the teacher the next day. You were NOT messing with her kids if they hadn't done anything wrong.
She even bailed me out a couple of times. I remember not reading a book (or maybe a few as this happened a couple of times) for school and having a test the next day on the book. You see my brain cannot concentrate on something that I am not interested in. But she....she would take that book...take and hour or two...and then come to me and tell me what happened so I wouldn't fail. Never getting mad at me...just silently showing me what my brother said at her funeral. Christ-like love. Hoping for me to do better next time but loving me even when I fall short. She translated french for me when I just couldn't get it. She was hands on in the little time and energy that she had.
She was feisty. No I mean it. She was not one to back down when she felt passionate. I remember when the town wanted to put a pub next door to our house. Well she wasn't having any drunks hanging around our yard and our house with HER kids at home. Not happening. Her and my Grandmother (my Dad's Mom who was a dear friend to her) were off at town council and sending me to school with a petition. I think it's safe to say...she won. And no pub was built by our house.
In the next years of not feeling so hot but not giving up she went on to become a Human Resources specialist and gained MANY other titles with in that realm that I can't remember. (Maybe Ralph can help me to insert these later. He knows all the works that she accomplished.) She was extremely smart. My Dad said that. Even recently, about how she was a genius. She was book smart and yet knew and just got a lot about life.
Just before she died she was working on a course learning how to fix computers. And she had gotten a 96% or 97% on her exam. If that were me I'd jump for joy. But my Mom worked her butt off and she knew that mark was mistaken. That she was suppose to have 100% And she went through it all...with a fine tooth comb...and I'm happy to report that she....just before she left this life....received a 100% mark on her exam. She was a genius. And it was the only 100% the school has given out either ever or in a long time.
And just because I need to add this...she always let me move home....always.
She loved her family. She loved genealogy. She loved being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day saints. She loved her husband. She loved her siblings, her Mom (and her late Father) and all those connected to her. She felt so strongly about people. She loved Ralph's family. She loved her friends. She felt true loss when someone had left this life. Not just for herself but for those that had lost them too.
She loved facebook (so feel free to leave her a message...she'll get them somehow :) )
She was always up for a good chat even now. And always gave me the time. She came to visit me and as much as it makes me tear up...seeing her all over my house...reminds me that she put forth effort to be in my life even though I lived far away. That my kids got to know her...and they will always know her. Yesterday I found some body wash that she had left behind in the shower by the guest room. We actually call it and still will call it Grammie's room. I had already found her shampoo a few months ago and cheered for joy because I was needing some good stuff and she always had good shampoo! She was going to come here this month and I was going to get her more. Now I just keep these bottles so I could smell the smells she was using in those last few days.
She left behind so many that miss her so very much. She left behind a husband who has lost so many...too many. And he misses her beyond words. She left behind a little dog that is looking for her everyday and every night. She left behind three sons who are all dealing with the loss of their Mom. She left behind extended family that are left confused, saddened and missing her. She left behind an extended family she had with her husband. She left behind grand babies who love her and I pray all carry a bit of her devotion, love and intelligence with them and keep her close to their little hearts. She left behind nieces and nephews...some who she had great bonds with. She left behind friends young and old who loved to chat with her and hear her stories.
She left behind me, her only daughter. Her youngest. And I can't tell you how my heart feels. I miss her. I can't believe I can't call her, or write her or that I won't see her cute comments on every facebook photo I put up of my kids. I can't believe she's just not here anymore. Oh how I took her strength and life for granted. I love her...she is...was...is...my Mom.
People look at me with those eyes...
It happened a lot while I was home and still happens now.
Those eyes unsure of what to say, or how I'm going to react.
Those eyes that feel so sad for me.
And then they see me say...."it's okay". And I know they may feel confused by that.
But I am my Mother's daughter.
And I mourn her on my own time and in my own way.
With love for her and happiness with the life that I have.
And she would want me to help those around me understand that with this sadness there is peace to be found.
For those of you that read this because of your love for her - please let me help you find peace.
My Mom knows of bigger things then most in the world only hope to believe.
My Mom knew she'd be with her family again, that she would be healed, that she would be vibrant and young again, and that she'd be with her Heavenly Father.
It does not matter if you know this. It does not matter if you believe this. This is her truth. And she is bringing me peace. Let her bring you yours.
Please remember her as she is. I choose to remember my Mom as my Mom. Not as my Mom that has now left this life. Remember her this way. Talk about her this way. If not she'll get super mouthy at you when she meets you on the other side ;) Honor her in ways that help you heal. The first thing I did was put up photos of her in my room, and my kids rooms. I also put up art she gave me. She is all up in my house's "hoola hoop" space! I also have a journal. So I can write to her, tell her things I want to tell her, meant to tell her and things I'll want to tell her later. She loved letters. Let us not focus on the details....for those details do not bring her back but only bring more sadness and anger. Let us just focus on her for who she is...and let her still be that woman.
I made this for her....
And the butterflies have a couple meanings for me...
There is a Miley Cyrus song some may have heard of called 'Butterfly Fly Away'.
Every time I heard that song it reminded me of my Mom.
"You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that
Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back
You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be
And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me"
I had always planned to learn this on the guitar (started too) and play/sing it for my Mom...on a video or something - for a gift. I never told her about this song because I wanted to surprise her...and I thought I had time. We do that though...we always think we have time. And that's okay. Lets not be hard on ourselves.
Then the chorus goes...
"Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream
Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away"
And when I was asked to make this print out I kept seeing butterflies flying. Like she was telling me that she was this was her day and that she was the butterfly that had to fly away. That even though selfishly we don't think so or want to believe it....her work here was done.
----
I hope I did my Mom justice for her on this Mother's Day weekend.
I hope that all of you can love your Mom whether she's here in this life or moved on to the next - as the woman that she is.
I hope you - that loved my Mom - understand something...that you will see her again. That she is no longer in pain. That illness is not putting her in a prison like state of her own failing body. That she is well. That she is happy. That she loves all of us. That she wants for us to find joy. To let go of grudges. To be kind to each other. To laugh. To find beauty - especially with flowers...they were her favorite thing. To find pure happiness and health. Honor her in this way.
I love you Mom - I hope you're having the best Mother's Day ever.
"God be with you till we meet again."
Happy Mother's Day xoxo
