Every day...sometimes multiple times a day, I think of something I want write on here. All different subjects with all sorts of witty and mouthy funniness and sometimes even serious stuff. Writing is a part of me. When I think about it I'm actually surprised I didn't go into writing in school. Well no I'm not. I don't like pressure and competition. Which is why I stopped doing Graphic Design almost as soon as I started. Writing has always been a part of me. I've always kept journals, little notes, and loved to take pictures even though I was shy about doing it. I love writing. Capturing. It's therapeutic, artistic and makes me sound way funnier and way cooler then I am in real person.
So this is a therapeutic post. I hate the fact that I seem to need these way to much. Like I could just write it in my personal journal. Or write it and not post it. But I hold on to the hope that maybe someone else that reads this can find good company in something they are going through. I hope that the real life people around me will understand me a little better....without feeling the need to reach out and help me. Strangely enough it's not help that I'm looking for most days. It's the feeling of being able to do things for myself that I want. It's understanding from others that I don't work like most people and I don't think that I'll change.
You see...I'm a classic case of a burnt out Mom. I'm a classic case of an introvert...who's actually sort of not an introvert in so many ways. I'm a girl who has wanted to be a Mom since I was five and love love it more than anything else in the world -yet find I need way too much time alone and am always caught up in the to do's and know that time (and being a nice and purposeful Mom) is passing me by. I'm a Mom who has this perfect little boy who has an autoimmune disease and is and will fight for the best a healthiest long term treatment for him. But it's hard and it makes me have to do hard things that my own 'not so stellar health' doesn't always allow me to do. I have another little boy who has a lot of aggression and I don't know how to fix it and most days think I'm the reason. I'm a girl who strives to live with intention yet goes to bed almost every night feeling like I failed at it every day.
But the heaviest part is that I feel like I'm just this little girl who lost her Mom too young. And almost nine months later it seems to get harder.
We all have trials and hard times. People are going through way harder things then I am. Their pain is so valid.
My thoughts are all over the place. But then that's the usual around here. Job hazard I guess.
I think about how having kids has given me this love I could never have imagined. It has also taught me true fear.
I think about how moving to three communities in three years has helped me get thicker skin, get to know myself a little better and has made for some GREAT conversation starters. It has also crippled me. Made the introverted part of me scream louder then the extrovert in me. It's made it hard for me to go anywhere and take on anything out of this house. I think parenting has done that too. Most of the time I'm okay with saying no, focusing on the three boys in my life. I think that's my calling in life. But some days I feel lost in it all.
But then I think about how I'm a perfectionist and I didn't even know it until Neighbour told me. That I crave some sort of control and that's the to do's...those things that I feel are important but haven't found balance in all of it yet. My Mom as well as other moms to me, have said not to worry about the clean house...your kids grow up so fast. Live in the moment. They won't last. They're so right. But then sort of not right too. It's just like...my kids still need underwear and pants. And dishes to eat off of. And to be able to find that random power ranger toy they never looked at twice before that they have to have it "RIGHT THIS MINUTE!" They need a clean environment that invites the spirit. But on the flip side they need a peaceful Mom. See! For the love of Pete I can't win. I need chocolate.
But I digress. I'm on the CONSTANT hunt to figure it out. Sorry to the three ladies in my life who have to listen to me work it out over and over again. And to my husband who has listen to me have the same struggles as well as fresh new ones - to what seems like constantly since the day we got married.
I'm trying to figure out life without my Mom. For a lot of my life I was so worried and almost prepping myself for the day she'd leave me. I honestly thought I was almost prepared. I was wrong. Really really wrong.
I have no answers. And offers of advice have to come when you know the full context of me and all the details in my head. And there isn't enough strength in my hands to be able to to ever type all that out. And let's be honest if you made it to the end of this then Facebook is having a lame newsfeed night.
But I know I'm not alone in this fight. I know so many that will read this get it so much words are just bursting out of their fingertips.
Though on the plus side when I do "figure it all out" that'll mean that I've also been able to get back to blogging like I wish I could now so you'll hear all about it. So be sure to check back here the year 2053. Because only then will I have my crap together and then no one will want my advice because 'times will have changed' or some crap like that.